A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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