my sisters under your porch take her home
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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