Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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