I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
