we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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