so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
