when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
