I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
