I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
