I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
