i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
