I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
