i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize