Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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