Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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