3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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