the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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