this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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