worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize