I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
