he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
