While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
