Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
