no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
