The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
