Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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