So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
