the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
