I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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