She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
