glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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