I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
