Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
