It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
