i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
