dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
