I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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