My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
