last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
