You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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