We're like a lot better than the average bears
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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