Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize