You smell like a Billy Joel song
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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