Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I faked an abortion last night.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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