I have demons in me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
