Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can you bring me the toilet please
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
