I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
