At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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