I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
