Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
