I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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