so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize