Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
