You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
